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Of Buddha and British Tea
3 min read
I have a new project in mind that I hope to show, bit by bit, as well as the ever-evolving tarot deck that will take ten years to complete, no doubt. Though, I'm in no hurry, why should I be? I'm beginning to understand this; hurry, worry, and panic. Time must be a more trivial thing in a place where reincarnation is just a fact of life. Here where I am, those of us who believe in such things are not the majority. There are more of us than we think there are, we spend so much time in fear and isolation, afraid to be hunted like witches, I suppose. But still, we are not that many. I digress. We're afraid of time because we're told that life is finite, and that we're always dying. However, this is just another miracle, really. I believe in rebirth because I believe in second chances.
But yes, this new project thing. I'm planning on making an art set inspired by all of the things that have been influencing my philosophy and spirituality. At first I envisioned a collage, then a large poster, then a framed work, and now potentially a handful of themed framed works. At any rate, there are quotes from books and essays that I wish to incorporate, and probably colours and things that I want to add. The Buddhism piece, for example, will have lots of orange. I see my mistake with my tarot deck, and my musical endeavours. I'm not the same person I was when I wrote most of my poems, and that style doesn't fit this version of me any more. I need to rediscover myself, know myself, before I can effectively express it in such a specific way. Work and study won't stop about the things for my operas and whatnot, but I have groundwork to do, which is exciting! I love doing groundwork! Lists! Folders of references! Rough drafts!
So I'll start the ball rolling with Moneesha, a woman in some readings I had to do for class. (Harvey, Andrew, A Journey in Ladakh, London, Johnathan Cape, 1983) She said "I don't deny [Great Experiences] though. It's just that I refuse to give them the importance [my husband] gives to them. [...] Yes, I love [Rinpoche, a venerated teacher]. Most of all because he never goes on about his perceptions, his visions, his experiences. He's beyond all that. He's spent his nine years in solitary meditation - I should think he's fed up with all those mystic things, all the vanishings and Nirvanas and apparitions and whatnot. He's an attentive, simple, tender, funny old man and that is why I love him. He's too busy attending to the world around him to have time to tell everyone about his experiences. And if he had time, he wouldn't want to. You are looking; he has found what he has been looking for." I'm not sure how I'm going to get all that in there, but I'll do it!
But yes, this new project thing. I'm planning on making an art set inspired by all of the things that have been influencing my philosophy and spirituality. At first I envisioned a collage, then a large poster, then a framed work, and now potentially a handful of themed framed works. At any rate, there are quotes from books and essays that I wish to incorporate, and probably colours and things that I want to add. The Buddhism piece, for example, will have lots of orange. I see my mistake with my tarot deck, and my musical endeavours. I'm not the same person I was when I wrote most of my poems, and that style doesn't fit this version of me any more. I need to rediscover myself, know myself, before I can effectively express it in such a specific way. Work and study won't stop about the things for my operas and whatnot, but I have groundwork to do, which is exciting! I love doing groundwork! Lists! Folders of references! Rough drafts!
So I'll start the ball rolling with Moneesha, a woman in some readings I had to do for class. (Harvey, Andrew, A Journey in Ladakh, London, Johnathan Cape, 1983) She said "I don't deny [Great Experiences] though. It's just that I refuse to give them the importance [my husband] gives to them. [...] Yes, I love [Rinpoche, a venerated teacher]. Most of all because he never goes on about his perceptions, his visions, his experiences. He's beyond all that. He's spent his nine years in solitary meditation - I should think he's fed up with all those mystic things, all the vanishings and Nirvanas and apparitions and whatnot. He's an attentive, simple, tender, funny old man and that is why I love him. He's too busy attending to the world around him to have time to tell everyone about his experiences. And if he had time, he wouldn't want to. You are looking; he has found what he has been looking for." I'm not sure how I'm going to get all that in there, but I'll do it!
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Of India and Ireland
3 min read
Over the years, I've found myself enthralled with Ireland and Scotland; the places of my dreams and my heritage. I've always wanted to go to Scotland and see where my family came from, and go to Ireland to be amidst the magic of faerie and to study folk music. For a while, I defined myself as being "Scottish," despite the fact that I (like many other Canadians) have really never been to where my family came from. Though, being "Canadian" has very little definition, especially so close to the United States where everything is going balmy and they're trying to take us with them.
Lately, I've been finding that I have a lot of interest in Indian philosophy and art. It didn't occur to me that my interests might have been genuine until today when I thought absent-mindedly to myself, "Maybe I'll study Bharata Natyam (a devotional dance style) some day, when I have more time to devote to it." I've been looking more and more into Hinduism and Buddhism, with some dabbling in Jainism, if only to learn more about it. I wonder where this came from? I live in a small subculture in which things like reincarnation and past lives are common occurrence, so it passed my mind that I may have once lived there. But I wonder if that's it? Either way, the exoticism will likely continue to be a part of my art for a while.
Although, on the flip side, a big part of me wants to go back to basics and back to that Scottish/Irish/folk self that I never got to see pan out, due to a lack of sunlight and good soil.
I've also been thinking about the nature of Love. It's been something I've been shy of since my heart was broken. For a while, I thought that love and Love were the same thing, but I'm beginning to think otherwise now. I'm just not sure what constitutes what. Previous lovers of mine have made me frantically passionate; spawning some really neat poetry, if I do say so myself. My lover now, however, is a different kind of person. He's steady, constant, devoted, and many other wonderful things. Though, having nothing to panic about, I've found myself a little passionless, thereby also affecting my art output, especially with my emotional music catastrophe in composition bogging my creativeness down.
I've not been the same since my university took my music away from me. It's a special kind of jaded, I think, that only an artist could understand. And truly, I don't mean to sound like I'm just complaining about nothing and not doing anything about it. I started teaching myself harp, I've been looking around at repertoire that I might enjoy singing, I'm even considering trying to put together some kind of folk band. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm trying to flex a muscle that still isn't quite healed over.
All things considered, though, it's just another step. All I can really do is keep moving and trust that the universe will deliver the things that I truly need, as opposed to the things that I want. I'll be less exhausted when papers are done.
Lately, I've been finding that I have a lot of interest in Indian philosophy and art. It didn't occur to me that my interests might have been genuine until today when I thought absent-mindedly to myself, "Maybe I'll study Bharata Natyam (a devotional dance style) some day, when I have more time to devote to it." I've been looking more and more into Hinduism and Buddhism, with some dabbling in Jainism, if only to learn more about it. I wonder where this came from? I live in a small subculture in which things like reincarnation and past lives are common occurrence, so it passed my mind that I may have once lived there. But I wonder if that's it? Either way, the exoticism will likely continue to be a part of my art for a while.
Although, on the flip side, a big part of me wants to go back to basics and back to that Scottish/Irish/folk self that I never got to see pan out, due to a lack of sunlight and good soil.
I've also been thinking about the nature of Love. It's been something I've been shy of since my heart was broken. For a while, I thought that love and Love were the same thing, but I'm beginning to think otherwise now. I'm just not sure what constitutes what. Previous lovers of mine have made me frantically passionate; spawning some really neat poetry, if I do say so myself. My lover now, however, is a different kind of person. He's steady, constant, devoted, and many other wonderful things. Though, having nothing to panic about, I've found myself a little passionless, thereby also affecting my art output, especially with my emotional music catastrophe in composition bogging my creativeness down.
I've not been the same since my university took my music away from me. It's a special kind of jaded, I think, that only an artist could understand. And truly, I don't mean to sound like I'm just complaining about nothing and not doing anything about it. I started teaching myself harp, I've been looking around at repertoire that I might enjoy singing, I'm even considering trying to put together some kind of folk band. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm trying to flex a muscle that still isn't quite healed over.
All things considered, though, it's just another step. All I can really do is keep moving and trust that the universe will deliver the things that I truly need, as opposed to the things that I want. I'll be less exhausted when papers are done.
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Of Water and Ginger-Pear Mints
3 min read
It's quite stunning to watch as the world shifts so very dramatically from highs to lows in the space of an hour or less. Even between minutes, my surroundings and my interpretations of said surroundings change from minute to minute. I'm so easily influenced. Sometimes, it's hard to tell what I think and what has been impressed upon me by whatever source, ill-wishing or well-intended. Though, I'll admit, I wouldn't really have it any other way, as I'm easily bored and the instability sustains me, in a strange sort of way. It's like being in a kaleidoscope and feeding on colour.
I have a lesson, soon. That should be interesting. I've been so otherwise occupied that I haven't sang for the last four or five days - truly, university is so exhausting. It doesn't have to be, either. But here we are. To be quite fair, though, I'm quite lucky to have the opportunity to be in school, and I do my best to realise this. However, with book reports, focus questions, songs to learn and sing, songs to write, improvisation projects, and pages and pages of readings crumpled up and filling my lungs, being grateful becomes a challenge.
I've been noticing lately that my stomach issues may be of a more significant nature than I initially had expected. I thought at first that they were completely psychosomatic, that my upset lead me to take it out on my stomach. When it continued for so long, I was lead to believe that I had an intolerance of some sort. However, I've noticed that my stomach is more susceptible to pain when I do not keep up with my expected energy-intake.
Where do ethics come in there? This is one of the things I wish I could get into some sort of art-form. I have so much roiling frustration about this whole energy-thing, it would be very healthy for me if I could. However, music has become a chore and I don't seem to have time for anything else.
I have, for now, found a new place to write from, though. I'm hoping I can keep it for long enough that I can help Mondego's theme form. If not, at least something, for the love of god. I was considering writing a BDSM opera, would people want to see that? (Not that I typically get responses here, of course.) I have a lot of I-want-to-write-this type things floating around in my brain, I simply have no time to explore the possibilities. I've decided that I want to pursue some modelling, again, as it's been too too long. In addition, I want to continue work on my tarot deck, which is taking forever, but I swear I haven't completely forgotten about it!
I have a lesson, soon. That should be interesting. I've been so otherwise occupied that I haven't sang for the last four or five days - truly, university is so exhausting. It doesn't have to be, either. But here we are. To be quite fair, though, I'm quite lucky to have the opportunity to be in school, and I do my best to realise this. However, with book reports, focus questions, songs to learn and sing, songs to write, improvisation projects, and pages and pages of readings crumpled up and filling my lungs, being grateful becomes a challenge.
I've been noticing lately that my stomach issues may be of a more significant nature than I initially had expected. I thought at first that they were completely psychosomatic, that my upset lead me to take it out on my stomach. When it continued for so long, I was lead to believe that I had an intolerance of some sort. However, I've noticed that my stomach is more susceptible to pain when I do not keep up with my expected energy-intake.
Where do ethics come in there? This is one of the things I wish I could get into some sort of art-form. I have so much roiling frustration about this whole energy-thing, it would be very healthy for me if I could. However, music has become a chore and I don't seem to have time for anything else.
I have, for now, found a new place to write from, though. I'm hoping I can keep it for long enough that I can help Mondego's theme form. If not, at least something, for the love of god. I was considering writing a BDSM opera, would people want to see that? (Not that I typically get responses here, of course.) I have a lot of I-want-to-write-this type things floating around in my brain, I simply have no time to explore the possibilities. I've decided that I want to pursue some modelling, again, as it's been too too long. In addition, I want to continue work on my tarot deck, which is taking forever, but I swear I haven't completely forgotten about it!
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Of Lapacho and of Deva
2 min read
It's been quite a while since I've been active. Who knew having a stable life would make me so artistically boring? Maybe that's why artists are notoriously abusers of various drugs, legal or not. Life just stops when inspiration is gone, and inspiration is done when life gets routine. Of course, I'd prefer to not use large amounts of drugs to make my life interesting, so I've turned to spirituality instead (punchline!)
I've been experimenting in different arenas of Paganism for the last couple of years, and finally I decided to take a class in my university on Hindu Traditions. I'm finding it all really interesting, and its opening my eyes to some of the world's largest religions. I'd like to further my study in other East Indian religions and then philosophies, and see where those take me. On the other hand, being some degree of Pagan suits me well. I've been doing energy work for the last few years, and it turns out that I'm pretty good at it.
Now, if only university courses held my interest like all of that does. I'm really sick of being in university and feel so stifled, it's infuriating. I've gotten over (for the most part) being not accepted into composition, I'm giving all that a rest for the time being. However, trying to play catch-up to graduate as soon as I can has not proven to be kind to me. Yet, only perseverance will break that cycle with any amount of self-satisfaction. And I am one stubborn individual.
So in the meantime, I'm doing little things to keep me occupied. I'm sad that I keep forgetting about my tarot deck, but I swear it hasn't been thrown to the dogs. It'll happen eventually. So, I'll try and get myself back into the swing of being myself and we'll see where that takes me! And it's getting closer to Christmastime.
I have a bit of a thing for Christmastime. It's like the biggest planning event of the year! I get to plan for months! I like planning.
I've been experimenting in different arenas of Paganism for the last couple of years, and finally I decided to take a class in my university on Hindu Traditions. I'm finding it all really interesting, and its opening my eyes to some of the world's largest religions. I'd like to further my study in other East Indian religions and then philosophies, and see where those take me. On the other hand, being some degree of Pagan suits me well. I've been doing energy work for the last few years, and it turns out that I'm pretty good at it.
Now, if only university courses held my interest like all of that does. I'm really sick of being in university and feel so stifled, it's infuriating. I've gotten over (for the most part) being not accepted into composition, I'm giving all that a rest for the time being. However, trying to play catch-up to graduate as soon as I can has not proven to be kind to me. Yet, only perseverance will break that cycle with any amount of self-satisfaction. And I am one stubborn individual.
So in the meantime, I'm doing little things to keep me occupied. I'm sad that I keep forgetting about my tarot deck, but I swear it hasn't been thrown to the dogs. It'll happen eventually. So, I'll try and get myself back into the swing of being myself and we'll see where that takes me! And it's getting closer to Christmastime.
I have a bit of a thing for Christmastime. It's like the biggest planning event of the year! I get to plan for months! I like planning.
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Of Toast and New Life Goals
2 min read
Well, it's official now. I've been rejected from composition at my university and feel pretty soundly crushed. I stand now at the brink of a choice; I can either try to rise up and prove to the professors that they made a mistake when they rejected me, or I can choose a different field and excel there. Failure is not an option.
Though, as confident as I try to sound, I feel dead. I keep attempting to motivate myself into some new artistic adventure, but the truth is that I've been uninspired ever since I came to university. It's as if academia has drained all of the creativity and abandon I once had and turned my blood to rot. I had strings of creativity in words because I had love, and then was hurt twice and you know the saying, "shame on me if you fool me twice." I can't even let myself go to love, and I feel so distressed, I have no idea what to do.
I'm a shade of what I once was, perhaps in many more ways than one.
I've been studying paranormal phenomenon outside of music, and that's been my buoying thing. While I can't have the musical career I wanted, I may be able to make a name for myself healing, or in the Pagan community. I could sing folk music. I might be happy doing that. I always thought that I'd perform, before university drove that out of me, too. Maybe I'll come full-circle?
Either way, I'm likely to take a few months to wallow in my self-pity before I'm reborn again. It's a long and painful process, but I learn something and shed a useless trait every time I burn up. With any luck, some of those contorted pieces of myself will be mold-able into something interesting to show.
Though, as confident as I try to sound, I feel dead. I keep attempting to motivate myself into some new artistic adventure, but the truth is that I've been uninspired ever since I came to university. It's as if academia has drained all of the creativity and abandon I once had and turned my blood to rot. I had strings of creativity in words because I had love, and then was hurt twice and you know the saying, "shame on me if you fool me twice." I can't even let myself go to love, and I feel so distressed, I have no idea what to do.
I'm a shade of what I once was, perhaps in many more ways than one.
I've been studying paranormal phenomenon outside of music, and that's been my buoying thing. While I can't have the musical career I wanted, I may be able to make a name for myself healing, or in the Pagan community. I could sing folk music. I might be happy doing that. I always thought that I'd perform, before university drove that out of me, too. Maybe I'll come full-circle?
Either way, I'm likely to take a few months to wallow in my self-pity before I'm reborn again. It's a long and painful process, but I learn something and shed a useless trait every time I burn up. With any luck, some of those contorted pieces of myself will be mold-able into something interesting to show.
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